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Title: Get Rid Of Me If You Try (1/3)
Rating: PG-13 (for swearing! gasp!)
Length: ~18500 words
Fandom: Big Bang Theory (Penny/Sheldon)

Summary: Penny Wade's life is pretty much in free-fall. She got fired from what was supposed to be her big break -- after two whole days. Caught her husband in bed with her agent. Had to slink back to waitressing full-time so she doesn't lose her house. Now she's basically been kidnapped by a crazy man with a box, and it's not even the cool TV-show kind of crazy man with a box. If she makes it through the week without killing someone, it will be a miracle.

A/N: Written for bigbangbigbang 2011; this has been, without equal, the toughest writing I've ever done in my life. All the thanks in the world to inkdot for putting up with my endless whining and self-doubt (you're the bee's knees, pip pip!); and to muir_wolf and sinstralpride for their insanely fast, helpful, and wonderful beta work after I struggled for so long to even get a draft out. If any of the seams show, it's because I didn't listen to their advice. And thanks especially to everyone who offered commiseration and support and general not-shooting-me over the last few months of wrestling with this monster. This fic would be drifting to the bottom of the Gdocs toilet if not for the combined awesome of &all of you;. A couple of phrases and technobabble are stolen from Parks & Recreation, Star Trek, Doctor Who and Back to the Future because I couldn't resist; the lines at the beginning are from BBT 1x01; some minor characters and a location are partially based on the saddest job I ever had; and everyone you recognize is someone else's intellectual property, more's the pity. Nobody thank my computer though, unless it wants to cough up all the words it ate. >:(

The GORGEOUS ART is by __hibiscus, who deserved a much better writer, collaborator, and story than she got. Thanks for putting up with me and a million x thank-you for such a gorgeous Penny ♥


Try it on AO3!




( Are you okay? I totally didn't even see you there! )

continued in part two

Title: Get Rid Of Me If You Try (2/3)
Rating: PG-13 (for swearing! gasp!)
Length: ~18500 words
Fandom: Big Bang Theory (Penny/Sheldon)

For notes and thanks, plus all the awesome art, please see part one

( Penny swept her hair up in a ponytail, trying to cool down the sudden rush of heat that flooded through her.  )

continued in part three

Title: Nothing Important Happened Today
Rating: R, for language, death imagery
Fandom: The Big Bang Theory (Penny/Sheldon)
Length: 27000 words
A/N: for the 2010 bigbangbigbang! This is BBT in an XF world with a twist, where absolutely nothing makes sense, including where the hell all these words came from. The title and three lines (you'll recognize them!) are from XF, and in the interest of full disclosure: about 1000 words are from The I in FBI, although some have been changed to protect the unbeta'd.

HUGE THANKS to my beta inkdot for talking me out of the trees when my first draft tried to kill me, and for her judicious enabling when the second draft reared up out of nowhere; to sounding boards extraordinaires the_wanlorn and sparkly_stuff; and to renisanz for picking up a pinch-hit ♥

Thanks also to my co-mods, weasleytook and bekkis (what were we thinking?!), and to everyone who participated in the first Big Bang Big Bang. We had a blast and we hope you did too!

"Agent Cooper?" she called, looking into the gloom. Against the wall that ran parallel to the hallway, there was a desk overflowing with maps and folders, and a boxy computer terminal shoved back out of the way. A dozen multi-colored post-its clung to its square black face. The outline of another desk was just visible in the shadows of the opposite wall.

And every available surface was covered in paper: hanging on the walls, stacked on top of the filing cabinets and all over the floor, stuck to the tiny window set high in the wall so that they blocked out whatever tiny amount of light was trying to struggle through.

"I was just assigned to you," Penny continued as if all of this was totally normal. As if none of it looked like something out of a serial killer's handbook. "I'm Agent—"

A man burst through the doorway in a wheeled desk chair. Backward, with his hands clamped on the padded arms, tie rippling weakly. In his wake, papers fluttered on their tacks and swirled off the nearest desk. Penny ground one heel into the floor and tensed her shoulders, shifting her weight in case she had to defend herself.

So this was "Moonpie" Cooper; Sheldon to his mother, presumably. Advanced degrees out the yin-yang, Criminal Analysis's golden boy burnout, scourge of absolutely no one despite his concerted efforts, nuisance to many, so on and so forth.

(fic @ AO3)

Title: Nothing Important Happened Today 1/3
Rating: R, for language, death imagery
Fandom: The Big Bang Theory (Penny/Sheldon)
Length: 27000 words

For notes and thanks, plus awesome art, please see the masterpost

( After busting her ass through weeks of training— That might have been an overstatement. )

continued in part two

Title: Let's Fell Our Withering Tree
Rating: R
Fandom: The Big Bang Theory
Length: 17,000 words
A/N: for the 2010 apocabigbang and omg *fingers fall off* Title is from "How's Forever Been Baby" by Elvis Perkins in Dearland

HUGE THANKS to my betas: inkdot for the hand-holding above and beyond the call of duty; the_wanlorn for the cheerleading and always letting me know when my lampshades are crooked. Thanks also to allthingsholy for an unexpected gift ♥

I also want to say thank you to the artists who created beautiful things for this story when I totally fell down on the job. Make sure you visit their posts and tell them how awesome they are!

"What are you waiting for?" he asked, then motioned at the road stretching out ahead of the car. "Let's go."

She still wasn't an expert on Sheldon — who could be, really? — but she knew that voice. That was his barely-holding-on-to-sanity voice. She threw the car into drive and slowly pulled out of her parking space. With any luck, she thought, her eyes would adjust before she hit anything too important.

Twenty minutes later, she would have given anything to be as blind as the proverbial bat.

She stood on the hood of her car and shaded her eyes with her hands as if that would erase any of what she saw. Sheldon, standing next to the front left tire, made a noise in the back of his throat and sagged against the car.

READ the story
(1, 2;
or on AO3)

LISTEN to the mix by Amber
SEE the art 01
SEE the art 02 [coming soon]


BONUS: art by allthingsholy ♥

Title: Let's Fell Our Withering Tree 2/2
Rating: R
Fandom: The Big Bang Theory
Length: 17,000 words

For notes and thanks, plus an awesome fanmix (and art coming soon), please see the masterpost


 continued from part one

( Penny hardly stepped off the gas until they hit the the gates )

Title: Kafka, Schmafka
Rating: PG
Length: ~20000 words
Fandom: Big Bang Theory (Penny/Sheldon, Howard, Missy, Raj, Leonard)
A/N: ...I don't even know. This is all fujiidom's fault. Also: vodka and pink lemonade. Mostly Maura though! I'd like to tell you why it's crackfic (with a major detour to Plottyville), but, um. It's kind of embarrassing enough that I wrote this? And I don't want to spoil the surprise. Yeah, that's the ticket. I don't have any idea when this is set but it's future-y. And possibly more AU than it seems? Basically I don't know anything. And there will be more Covalent Bond some day, oh yes, there will

Hugenormous thanks to the_wanlorn, without whom this thing would literally have never ended (ILU BEST BB), to julie_reads for not telling me to stfu, and to htbthomas for a really fast and helpful beta ♥

Part one | Part two

( Leonard stopped reading their orders off of the piece of paper on his knee )

eta: Now with a cover by the wonderful salixlikescake (click for larger)

Title: The Vengeance Paradox
Rating: PG-13
Length: 5300 words in part three // ~14000 total
Fandom: The Big Bang Theory (Penny/Sheldon)
Spoilers: Weirdly enough, a vague one for Journey's End (Doctor Who)
A/N: This is for the_wanlorn who wanted comics talk, but it's also len_again's fault for giving me Ideas About Whiteboards! (I'm totally ignoring all the spoilers for season 3, btw.) This fic exists in the Five things!verse (Leonard, Sheldon, Penny, Raj) but may not track exactly.

Part one | Part two | Part three

Finally, done! Thank you so much to everyone for reading and commenting, and to rashaka for the suggestions and the rec on Twitter! I really don't think the grinning has stopped yet. ♥ I'm working on an appendix that explains the comic book references for any of you who might not know them - I'll post that on ishie in a day or two - if you can't wait that long, Wikipedia, the Google Machine, and the Marvel wiki gave me all the info I used. (Also, feel free to friend or join this comm - I can pretty much guarantee I'm not going to be able to leave these characters alone :)

eta
OKAY! Allow me to channel Monk for a second; here's what happened: I meant to post this last night but it needed one last once-over, or seven. So I got on my computer and somehow started googling Jim Parsons pictures instead. And then I made the_wanlorn flail with me over some of his Late Late Show clips. And then it was hours past bedtime. :( So, when I finally get to take a lunch today, I post this here and go to sheldon_penny to post a link, and see SOMETHING TOTALLY AWESOME. *CUE FLAILING* So, um, fyi, if you're a member of that comm, something in here might seem kind of familiar but was written before I saw that post and OMG :DDDDD I'm so excited they're doing what they're doing! Seriously cannot wait to see it! :D

Also, Twitter is the mind-killer and is totally going to get me fired if I don't learn to leave it alone during the day D:


( He's surprisingly good at it, this whole kissing thing. She wonders when he's done it before because there's no way he picked this up on the internet. )

eta: Now with a cover by the wonderful salixlikescake (click for larger)

Title: The Vengeance Paradox (1/3)
Rating: PG-13
Length: 4700 words in part one
Fandom: The Big Bang Theory (Penny/Sheldon)
Spoilers: Weirdly enough, a vague one for Journey's End (Doctor Who).
A/N: This is for the_wanlorn who wanted comics talk, but it's also len_again's fault for giving me Ideas About Whiteboards! (I'm totally ignoring all the spoilers for season 3, btw.) This fic exists in the Five things!verse (Leonard, Sheldon, Penny, Raj) but may not track exactly. Part two will be up in a few days. You can join or watch this journal, or track the BBT tag for the rest if you'd like!

Uh, everything I know about comics comes from my flist's posts and the Google Machine, and I didn't get a beta for this, so please let me know if I got anything wrong. I'm such a comics!n00b that differing opinions aren't going to make a damn bit of sense to me, sadly. Also the_wanlorn tells me what to like and not-like so you'll have to go through her first.

Part one | Part two | Part three


( Penny's pretty okay with the guys knowing most of what goes on in her life. )

Title: In the Hollow Tree
Rating: PG-13, for violence
Length: 16,000 words
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis AU (Rodney/Teyla)
Recipient: telesilla, at sticksandsnark
Prompt: "AU, Teyla and Rodney investigate supernatural events (cameos by other SGA characters a plus!)"
A/N: Notes in part one


( 'No, it wasn't a tulpa, you moron! There were wings, and flying, and it was at least the size of the car. Oh, for the love of... It's not a tulpa!' )